My poor husband had to put up with another one of my episodes last night. I had another doctors appointment yesterday afternoon where the doctor stripped my membrane. Doctor Bradford said to come on in if I had any sort of consistent contractions. I was thrilled at the idea that we might be having this baby soon, especially with our favorite doctor. Our family has developed a relationship with Doctor Bradford over the last few years and I would love it if he was able to deliver both of our babies. So, my hopes were high leaving the office and I let Jaret know that we planned on this kid coming tonight!
Hours passed and I had a few contractions here and there but I didn't feel like anything was actually developing. Jaret and I did a little internet research and found that after having their membrane stripped many women went into labor within hours thereafter. But our small search also showed that I was more likely to have the baby within a couple of days of "the procedure" rather than immediately after. So, time passed but not much changed. In the back of my mind I kept thinking, "we have to have this kid before 8am or else we're going to be stuck with a doctor who doesn't care about us". It didn't help that the doc told me he was excited to deliver our baby. Who wouldn't want to have their baby delivered by a doctor who was actually excited to specifically deliver your baby?
Bedtime arrived and I was ticked. "Why on earth isn't anything happening?!" I went to bed sulking. "It isn't going to happen tonight. We're going to have the baby in the next few days when our doctor isn't on call. We had a blast delivering Holland with doctor Bradford two years ago and the next doctor is going to be boring and uncaring."
Of course I'm over emotional and even being ridiculous about who delivers our baby but it goes deeper than just being about which doctor I like the most. I think I like the idea of trying to have control over something during this time where it feels like I have control over nothing. I find myself worried mostly about what's out of my control. Is the birth going to go smoothly? Will Brooklyn have health issues? How will Holland treat her? How will I treat Holland on little sleep? Am I going to be an even bigger emotional wreck after having a baby? Will it be hard to get back in shape? Will my no sweets diet be excruciatingly hard? Will my efforts show any physical change? Is Jaret going to be here for Brooklyn's birth? Are we going to get a job this month? If not, will we have enough between savings and Jaret's job to sustain us until whenever? Will we have to get a second job again? What if he does get a job and we have to move? Will it be hard to find friends? I will miss the one's I've made here. Will I be lonely with my two children and have no one to go to? Will I even like where we have to live? What if he gets on with the police force here and has to go away for a few months for training? How will I handle his absence and the idea that he will be put in danger on a regular basis? Will it be a hard adjustment having him do shift work? Will he like the job he gets? What if he get's a job with the OCC and we have to move to Washington DC and he's never home? Will people be nice there? How will I pack all of our stuff up with an infant and toddler on hand? If we have to go to the hospital in the middle of the night who can we call in the middle of the night to watch Holland? Who will she stay with while I'm in the hospital and Jaret's at work? I have lots of friends willing to help but will I overuse them? What will they expect in return? Holland has been waking up with dry diapers and this is probably a good time to start focusing on potty training, but is there any point since we may have so many big changes coming?
These are just the things that come to mind. I'm full of plenty of worries that are out of my control. I was doing just fine handling everything and then some straw had to come and break the camels back.
Luckily I woke up and felt a little better this morning. I talked with Jaret and he tried to be sympathetic but he admitted that he didn't really understand why I was so emotional. I know there are plenty of women out there who have been through the same worries. I'm not crazy, right? I believe that Heavenly Father is mindful of our situation but it's hard to keep that in mind sometimes. I also know that in the long run I will look back at this time and realize that I made the situation harder just by getting emotional about it but everything turned out just fine and we learned and grew from it. In spite of that knowledge, it doesn't change how I feel. I think time will though. Things will happen in their own time and iron themselves out.
In the mean time, I'm still ticked that Doctor Bradford may not deliver our baby. In order for that to work we would have to have the baby after 8am on Monday the 11th and Jaret would leave for Denver that afternoon. What are the chances that we can make it to the 15th after having my membrane stripped? That would be ideal....except for all the worry that will take place between now and then!
Hours passed and I had a few contractions here and there but I didn't feel like anything was actually developing. Jaret and I did a little internet research and found that after having their membrane stripped many women went into labor within hours thereafter. But our small search also showed that I was more likely to have the baby within a couple of days of "the procedure" rather than immediately after. So, time passed but not much changed. In the back of my mind I kept thinking, "we have to have this kid before 8am or else we're going to be stuck with a doctor who doesn't care about us". It didn't help that the doc told me he was excited to deliver our baby. Who wouldn't want to have their baby delivered by a doctor who was actually excited to specifically deliver your baby?
Bedtime arrived and I was ticked. "Why on earth isn't anything happening?!" I went to bed sulking. "It isn't going to happen tonight. We're going to have the baby in the next few days when our doctor isn't on call. We had a blast delivering Holland with doctor Bradford two years ago and the next doctor is going to be boring and uncaring."
Of course I'm over emotional and even being ridiculous about who delivers our baby but it goes deeper than just being about which doctor I like the most. I think I like the idea of trying to have control over something during this time where it feels like I have control over nothing. I find myself worried mostly about what's out of my control. Is the birth going to go smoothly? Will Brooklyn have health issues? How will Holland treat her? How will I treat Holland on little sleep? Am I going to be an even bigger emotional wreck after having a baby? Will it be hard to get back in shape? Will my no sweets diet be excruciatingly hard? Will my efforts show any physical change? Is Jaret going to be here for Brooklyn's birth? Are we going to get a job this month? If not, will we have enough between savings and Jaret's job to sustain us until whenever? Will we have to get a second job again? What if he does get a job and we have to move? Will it be hard to find friends? I will miss the one's I've made here. Will I be lonely with my two children and have no one to go to? Will I even like where we have to live? What if he gets on with the police force here and has to go away for a few months for training? How will I handle his absence and the idea that he will be put in danger on a regular basis? Will it be a hard adjustment having him do shift work? Will he like the job he gets? What if he get's a job with the OCC and we have to move to Washington DC and he's never home? Will people be nice there? How will I pack all of our stuff up with an infant and toddler on hand? If we have to go to the hospital in the middle of the night who can we call in the middle of the night to watch Holland? Who will she stay with while I'm in the hospital and Jaret's at work? I have lots of friends willing to help but will I overuse them? What will they expect in return? Holland has been waking up with dry diapers and this is probably a good time to start focusing on potty training, but is there any point since we may have so many big changes coming?
These are just the things that come to mind. I'm full of plenty of worries that are out of my control. I was doing just fine handling everything and then some straw had to come and break the camels back.
Luckily I woke up and felt a little better this morning. I talked with Jaret and he tried to be sympathetic but he admitted that he didn't really understand why I was so emotional. I know there are plenty of women out there who have been through the same worries. I'm not crazy, right? I believe that Heavenly Father is mindful of our situation but it's hard to keep that in mind sometimes. I also know that in the long run I will look back at this time and realize that I made the situation harder just by getting emotional about it but everything turned out just fine and we learned and grew from it. In spite of that knowledge, it doesn't change how I feel. I think time will though. Things will happen in their own time and iron themselves out.
In the mean time, I'm still ticked that Doctor Bradford may not deliver our baby. In order for that to work we would have to have the baby after 8am on Monday the 11th and Jaret would leave for Denver that afternoon. What are the chances that we can make it to the 15th after having my membrane stripped? That would be ideal....except for all the worry that will take place between now and then!
5 comments:
Im sorry you have so many worries I wish I could help out! I can tell you that when matt joined the air force and was gone forever it was hard but I grew in so many ways. Our relationship only got better and I learned there was a lot I could handle on my own! If he does get a job as a police officer alls I can say is yes you will worry that never goes away(sorry to be honest) but you will never be more proud of your husband! Its a great honor to love someone who sacarfices to help others. You guys are an amazing family and I know that whatever may come your way you will be able to withstand the trials! You are an amazing women and have always been a great example to me:)
Ditto to what Melissa said!! You are amazing and you are a strong woman! It's okay to have worries and get emotional,it happens. I also know the Lord is mindful of you and when you turn to him, he will give you the peace and comfort you need!
This girl above my comment really knows what she is talking about!
Helma it's okay to worry you have my permission to worry. When you came home from your mission you were always talking about how Heav. Father puts trials in our path to strech us. I think right now you are getting streched and broken, and stomped on all at once. I don't know how you would manage to stay put together without allowing yourself a few brake downs. I would have one everyday if I was in your spot! So until she does come scedule a brake down every day and than one every other day after you become a mother of 2. If nothing else remember to just breath :) I wish I could be there with you at this exiting time but things don't work out the way we want all the time do they. Love ya tonz sis.
Britt
Nope....it's time for some tough Love! Love you girl but dang you for moving the expectations goal posts!You and Jaret and Holla just need to be ready to accept the 'healthy' bubby you desired with heart and soul....no more expectations .....just go back to the original goal posts...and see it through...don't change the direction with expectations that will do nothing for you, the baby or your wonderful family. Pay your tithing! You are very blessed and about to be blessed in a greater capacity than you have ever experienced. HE will provide you all that you need...just as he sent Mary to Elizabeth. Your trials will seem so miniscure to the miracle that is about to be placed into your loving arms...enjoy! Free yourself from worry and celebrate the 'life' all around you. ps spring a great time for potty training and it will be nice for you and holla to have a little routine all of your own before bubby arrives :)Love ya xoxo
I'm amazed that you have many of the same worries I had with my first two babies. We were going into the military, had training ahead, and were far away from family. Your dad told me I just NEEDED TO EXERCISE MY FAITH. He was right, but it was hard, and still is. The good news is, 99% of what we worry about never happens.
Still, I feel bad that I'm not on the road to Bozeman right now because of my graduation and all the things I need to do to get ready for that. I have to pick up my cap and gown between a certain time, and am still trying to find out why I'm not on the grad list. I've already graduated, so I should automatically be on the list since I told them I'm marching. If Holly wasn't coming from Texas for it, I'd forget it. I TOLD you I'd be worrying about YOU instead of the lesser problem of graduation. Oh well!
Motherhood is over all the hardest job on the planet, but look how we women shine! We may have our worries, but we face them like champs, and you are one of the best. (All my girls are amazingly strong and competent.)But we need our "Gethsemane moments" don't we? So go ahead and voice your feelings. We are all with you in spirit, and if it gets too much, say the word and we'll come and get you and bring you home for a while.
Meanwhile, I'm sending one of mine and the Lord's little ministering angels to you -- Callie will come and bring you our gifts, love, and cheer. Never doubt that we love you and pray for you every day. We're so happy Brooklyn's delivery worked out so beautifully. All of you Always, Mom
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