On December 20th it will have been four years since I returned from my mission. I can hardly believe how quickly time has passed and what has happened in my life since then. It is also a surprise to see how much I've changed since then and realize that I am now looking back to that time as history rather then what happened before I left. My mission memories are so fresh yet so distant.
Over these last four years I've found myself having a love hate relationship with the memories of that eighteen months and what it resulted in. As I was chatting with my sister, Holly, on my recent vacation it gave me time to stir up a lot of those memories and analyse everything up to this point. I was shocked to hear from Holly about how worried she was for me when I returned.
My dear sweet sister surprised me by flying in soon after I returned from the Netherlands. We all hung out a little bit for the holidays (if I remember everything correctly) and I didn't want to watch any movies, I didn't laugh much, I was distant and I was very confused. I didn't know who I should be. Was I the old crazy, loony Hillary or the new serious and spiritual Hillary. I remember thinking, "Wow, I wasted so much time watching movies before my mission. How embarrassing". I think I watch a heck of a lot more stuff now then I did before I mission. Ironic.
Anyway, Holly told me she was concerned about me because I was so different and seemed lost. This recently acquired information came as a shock to me. I didn't know she felt that way. I've always known that transitioning back into the world after a mission is a challenge. It's a whole different ball game being the one doing it. I am still trying to figure out who am I, what I want to be, how I want to act and what feels appropriate. I even found myself trying to figure out what kind of person I was on the way to my friends ornament party. Am I the Hillary of the past who has to draw attention to herself? Or, perhaps, the person who is content to sit in the background and just enjoy being there? Am I the selfless conversationalist that is sure to keep the focus on the other person to make them feel cared about or am I going to go off on all that is going on in my life? We played a game where a couple of dice were passed around a circle and if you rolled doubles you got to throw a hat, gloves and scarf on and tear into some gifts until someone took the apparel from you after rolling doubles. Pre-mission me would have thought of the most entertaining way to get dress myself and get those babies open. Post mission me actually walked up and quietly and timidly took the hat off of the person I was replacing. Luckily I was quickly booted and didn't have to worry about getting the rest on.
Why do any of us worry or care about what others think? That is a question that will never cease to be asked. I do know, though, that I was able to really put those guards down for a few days with my sisters and it felt good. I got to see some pre-mission crazy girl mixed with post mission wisdom. It felt good and balanced. Just how I like it.
So, though I have felt some resentment toward my mission for "taking my personality away", I think that a good balance is slowly emerging I am still interested in finding ways to break out of my monotonous shell but I do like who I am becoming and I appreciate the changes for the most part. Overall, I feel like my mission was essential for two reasons: I gained true and undeniable testimony of many doctrines of our church and it stripped me down to almost the bare bones to help me rebuild on a newer and less flawed foundation. Child rearing has continued the refining and stripping...yeah, it's even harder then my mission...but I'm learning to love it too. I'm just hoping that the stripping will slow down and that I'll get to see a little more building in the future. I have a funny feeling it doesn't really work that way.
Over these last four years I've found myself having a love hate relationship with the memories of that eighteen months and what it resulted in. As I was chatting with my sister, Holly, on my recent vacation it gave me time to stir up a lot of those memories and analyse everything up to this point. I was shocked to hear from Holly about how worried she was for me when I returned.
My dear sweet sister surprised me by flying in soon after I returned from the Netherlands. We all hung out a little bit for the holidays (if I remember everything correctly) and I didn't want to watch any movies, I didn't laugh much, I was distant and I was very confused. I didn't know who I should be. Was I the old crazy, loony Hillary or the new serious and spiritual Hillary. I remember thinking, "Wow, I wasted so much time watching movies before my mission. How embarrassing". I think I watch a heck of a lot more stuff now then I did before I mission. Ironic.
Anyway, Holly told me she was concerned about me because I was so different and seemed lost. This recently acquired information came as a shock to me. I didn't know she felt that way. I've always known that transitioning back into the world after a mission is a challenge. It's a whole different ball game being the one doing it. I am still trying to figure out who am I, what I want to be, how I want to act and what feels appropriate. I even found myself trying to figure out what kind of person I was on the way to my friends ornament party. Am I the Hillary of the past who has to draw attention to herself? Or, perhaps, the person who is content to sit in the background and just enjoy being there? Am I the selfless conversationalist that is sure to keep the focus on the other person to make them feel cared about or am I going to go off on all that is going on in my life? We played a game where a couple of dice were passed around a circle and if you rolled doubles you got to throw a hat, gloves and scarf on and tear into some gifts until someone took the apparel from you after rolling doubles. Pre-mission me would have thought of the most entertaining way to get dress myself and get those babies open. Post mission me actually walked up and quietly and timidly took the hat off of the person I was replacing. Luckily I was quickly booted and didn't have to worry about getting the rest on.
Why do any of us worry or care about what others think? That is a question that will never cease to be asked. I do know, though, that I was able to really put those guards down for a few days with my sisters and it felt good. I got to see some pre-mission crazy girl mixed with post mission wisdom. It felt good and balanced. Just how I like it.
So, though I have felt some resentment toward my mission for "taking my personality away", I think that a good balance is slowly emerging I am still interested in finding ways to break out of my monotonous shell but I do like who I am becoming and I appreciate the changes for the most part. Overall, I feel like my mission was essential for two reasons: I gained true and undeniable testimony of many doctrines of our church and it stripped me down to almost the bare bones to help me rebuild on a newer and less flawed foundation. Child rearing has continued the refining and stripping...yeah, it's even harder then my mission...but I'm learning to love it too. I'm just hoping that the stripping will slow down and that I'll get to see a little more building in the future. I have a funny feeling it doesn't really work that way.
1 comment:
Oh Hillary. I could tell you were having a hard time. I didn't know how to help. One thing I know is that I would hate life if I couldn't be silly and fun! I also know there is a time and a place for it. (There's a time and a place for every part of my personality) I'm just grateful that I don't have to control my personality while in the presence of my sisters! (True happiness!)
I like all the different sides of you. Funny, silly, serious and spiritual. Never loose the fun sister side of you. Like you said it's "A cup full of Sista!"
Love ya!
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